America is talking about Tiger and thus talking about adultery. It got me thinking that it could be useful for Baha'is to talk more about this problem, a problem that may very well be as old as the institution of marriage itself. In my experience, adultery, unlike say, divorce is rarely a topic of discussion among Baha'is. Perhaps it is so rare that it doesn't merit discussion. Perhaps it is so personal, so painful, so shameful that it can only be uttered in whispers. Perhaps the mere thought of its possibility is too frightening for discussion. I don't know for sure. However, my personal and professional experience leads me to believe that problems like this are rarely solved with silence.
You may recall that I have advocated in the past that Baha'is should engage in sex education and that sex education should be part of marriage education. If so, then study, consultation, and reflection about adultery should definitely be on the syllabus. However, I believe that it would have to go beyond simply teaching that adultery is something Baha'is shouldn't commit. It would need to address why adultery is bad for the soul and for civilization, the risk factors and warning signs associated with it, how to respond practically to being tested with attraction to a person other than your spouse, and what if anything can be done to repair a marriage if adultery takes place.
It may very well be that most Baha'is will never face this particular test during their marriage. I'd certainly like to believe that. My suspicion though, is that attraction to people other than one's spouse is more common than many Baha'is would be comfortable admitting. For some, such attraction can and will lead to adultery. Would it not be better to do whatever we can to prepare married couples and those seeking to marry to deal with this possibility?
"The question you raise as to the place in one's life that a deep bond of love with someone we meet other than our husband or wife can have is easily defined in view of the teachings. Chastity implies both before and after marriage an unsullied, chaste sex life. Before marriage absolutely chaste, after marriage absolutely faithful to one's chosen companion. Faithful in all sexual acts, faithful in word and in deed." (Compilations, Lights of Guidance, p. 360)
15 comments:
Alas, I am painfully aware of adultery committed by Baha'is, as I was directly impacted by the behavior. It was entirely unspoken of - and the difficulty lingers. Once it occurs, it is to be handled exclusively by the parties involved and their LSA. (And the children of the parties be counseled as well)
I agree that as in other situations where abiding by Baha'i Law may be a challenge, work should be done pro-actively so that the reasons for marital infidelity are managed as much as possible before the marriage vows are taken. In my experience, the seeds of infidelity were planted years before it eventually occurred.
I'm looking forward to the discussion but I see no one has jumped in so I suppose I will be the first!
I would love to see marriage education increase in the Baha'i community(both preparation for marriage and support for those who are married). I believe I saw somewhere that a Ruhi course was in the works for this topic (although I cannot confirm this). We could study the writings from our Faith on marriage, and also supplement this with the works of respected marriage psychologists/therapists (John Gottman comes to mind).
We all have read about the tremendous amount of suffering that divorce and also temporary relationships cause to families and individuals, and certainly our community is not immune to such suffering. Perhaps marriage education could be considered part of a socio economic development project. Every area has needs, and certainly in the USA one of our needs is support for healthy marriages. (I am certain this is global but am most aware personally of US). Maybe this could grow out of a community wide service project?
Looking forward to seeing some comments...
An attraction to someone other than your spouse is as common as trees budding out in the spring. If you are committed to fidelity, the greatest part of wisdom is to admit to vulnerability and to set practical limits which prevent an attraction from moving to a relationship. Some simple rules:
1) have the kind of relationship with your spouse in which you can explore why that attraction might be budding at this particular moment; ie., are we not connecting? have we not been tending the flame?
2) NEVER tell the object of your attraction about your feelings. The minute you do, you have already betrayed your spouse, and worse, you have created a secret relationship which you can only discuss with your secret love. Inside this bubble, reality disappears and the fiction of a real relationship appears like a mirage in the desert.
3) Don't keep your thoughts to yourself; share them with a therapist or deep thinking friend who will help you translate the deeper meaning of that attraction and see that your soul is talking in metaphors. IE: a woman who has never had a romantic thought about a co-worker is attracted to him after she hears him tell his daughter that she should pursue her love of music. Why? Because she is herself a musician longing for encouragement, and her spouse only addresses the inconvenience and expense of her pursuing it in the present. When she tells the truth to her spouse about her love of music and need for it in her life and finds a cooperative way to pursue it, her attraction to her co-worker evaporates. This happens all the time....
You are correct that adultery is a topic rarely spoken about among Baha'is and I agree that discussion about it needs to take place prior and during marriage. Adultery is a symptom of another problem within the marriage and/or within the person. Marriage is made up of imperfect people therefore all marriages are at risk of problems. I know of several marriages where one partner committed adultery and the majority of these marriages ended in divorce. It was apparent to others that their marriages were in jeopardy and the couple did not go for counseling. Or, they went for counseling but not committed to personal change. In each case, there were emotional after-shocks which extended beyond the marriage couple and their children. Family members disconnected themselves from long friendships. There was the questioning of all of the family's religious values by the children after witnessing their parent break a most sacred trust. When couple proceed with their marriage without addressing the causes of adultery, they tell their children to avoid confrontation and change. And, the cycle of hiding your true feelings is passed onto another generation.
Thanks for everyone who has waded into these waters so far. I'm appreciating the candor and very practical and thoughtful suggestions for addressing this problem. Mary K. I found your response especially refreshing in stating the obvious that attraction to people other than your spouse is very common (though I think denied by most). Anne, I like your idea about marriage education being a form of SED and organizations like the Marriage Transformation Project are already approaching it in this way.
What do other people think?
I tend to believe that the topic of adultery is in its entirety linked with the often discussed issue of chastity and one can not talk about either without touching the other. As Shoghi Effendi said:
"Briefly stated the Bahá'í conception of sex is based on the belief that chastity should be strictly practised by both sexes, not only because it is in itself highly commendable ethically, but also due to its being the only way to a happy and successful marital life."
Chastity is THE ONLY WAY TO A HAPPY AND SUCCESSFUL MARITAL LIFE. Call me naive, but I do think that people that manage with chastity before marriage will have less of an issue with adultery (am ignoring here the fact that people change, but am speaking in general terms).
Nadine, I'd say there is probably truth in what you are saying here. Practice makes perfect as they say. Someone who has learned to discipline their sexual impulses before marriage will likely find it easier to do once they get married. The opposite is equally true. Someone who has spent their single years having sex is not going to magically be able to practice chastity once they get married. I think that there are many who believe that whatever challenges they've had with chastity will be "solved" by getting married. I'd go farther and suggest that for some their primary motivation for marriage is to finally have lots of sex. They soon realize that sexual gratification in and of itself does not lead to personal or marital happiness. Others find that their sexual needs actually don't get gratified even though they are married. Both scenarios can contribute to profound disillusionment and remorse.
I'm noticing that the women out there are contributing most of the comments. Do the men really have nothing to say about this? Just wonderin'.
Phillipe, I fully agree that education on sex should be part of the curriculum in the bahai community. It is fundamental for building healthy relationships, families and communities. Some are able to face the challenges on their own but I'm sure many will benefit from such an education.
Very briefly: I can say from experience that relationships can heal after adultery. I was the transgressor and it was a huge challenge for my wife and me. It took years of agony and (frequently fruitless) soul-searching. Now our marriage is much stronger, like a rock. Although I have always loved my wife, I confess that attraction to other women has always been a reality for me, and from hindsight there was a slow build-up. There is a connection to my faith. At some point I had a crisis of faith and I feel that 'paved the way' for allowing those build-up desires to be fulfilled. It was like giving up on my 'struggle' to keep the Laws, believing that it is simply too much to ask from humans to keep them (rationalization of loss of faith!). After our marriage recovered I refound the Faith and it is now deeper than ever. Attraction to other women will never go away, but it doesn't frighten me. It's part of the beauty in life and there is absolutely no need to have that sexually 'fulfilled'. Not even in fantasy (where it all starts ;-)).
Anonymous, I was wondering when someone who had committed adultery would chime in. Thanks for your courage in telling your story! I think we can learn a lot from people who have lived through tests like these. You are living proof that perfection is not a requirement of being a Baha'i. Good Baha'is can make bad mistakes. It's what we do next that counts.
Do you believe that God would truly forgive an adulterer, even if the person confessed their sins and sought forgiveness from God. Would he actually forgive that particular sin, as he says that the soul would be severely retarded in the next world. So is there such a thing as forgiveness if the person truly repents?
I am not a Bahai, though I have attended some Bahai meetings in my area. I have been married for 36 years, have two adult daughters and and for many years i have felt unhappy in my marriage. In November I left my husband for another man. I believed that this man and I had a future together and we had plans to set up home and start a new life. Before I moved in with my new partner my husband travelled to my new town to see me and speak with me, within minutes of seeing him I knew that I was in danger of making a terrible mistake. yes I felt a deep attraction for my new man and could describe my feelings as 'love', but when I saw my husband I knew that I loved him with a much deeper, older and affectionate love then the euphoric feelings which belonged to my new relationship. I returned home with my husband and after honest and painful conversations we have begun to rebuild our lives together and what we have now fills me with hope. However I am haunted by the knowledge that I committed adultery... only once.... but once is more then enough. It hurt my husband dreadfully and I wish that I could undo that hurt. Mutual forgiveness has helped but I have read that in the Kiab-i-AQDas Bahullah prescribes that adulterers should pay a fine to the House of Justice (32.775 grams of gold for the first offence and progressively doubled thereafter) and states that they would suffer a 'humiliating torment' in the after life. Even though I have expressed regret and recommitted to my marriage does this mean that I face an awful punishment in the after life?
I want to continue attending Bahai meetings but have misgivings about how my experience affects my relationship with God and with the Bahai community.
I would appreciate any comments people may have
I believe that if a person takes steps in their life to correct their short comings and truly repents for what they have done, then God is forgiving.
From the words of Baha'u'llah
"Thus have we recounted unto you the tales of the one true God, and sent down unto you the things he had pre ordained, that haply you may ask forgiveness of Him, may return unto Him, may truly repent, may realise your misdeeds, may shake off your slumber, may be roused for your heedlessness, may atone for the things that have escaped you, and be of them that do good. Let him who will, acknowledge the truth of my words; and as to him that willeth not, let him turn aside. My sole duty is to remind you of your failure in duty towards the cause of God, if perchance ye may be of them that heed my warning. Wherefore, hearken ye unto my speech, and return ye to God and repent, that He, through His grace, may have mercy upon you, may wash away your sins and forgive your trespasses. The greatness of His mercy surpasseth the fury of His wrath, and His grace encompasseth all who have been called into being and been clothed with the robe of life, be they of the past or of the future.
Shoghi Effendi wrote:
Repentance must be sincere and sincerity has implications. Sometimes the objection is raised that the such teachings mean that we do not have to take the responsibility for our actions, or that there are no consequences. But this overlooks the fact that sincerity is a part of repentance, and that a person who has repented of some sin would (if they were sincere) make an effort to correct their behaviour and make appropriate restitution for the wrongs they have inflicted upon others.
Baha'u'llah states in the Kitab-i- Aqdas
'Such is the penalty which He Who is the Lord of Names hath assigned them in this world; and in the world to come He hath ordained for them a humiliating torment. Sghould anyone be afflicted by sin, it behoveth him to repent thereof and return unto his Lord. He, verily, granteth forgiveness unto whomsoever He willeth, and none may question that which it pleaseth Him to ordain. He is, in truth, the Ever- forgiving, the Almighty, the All Praised.'
On a personal note to the last person who wrote here, I can completely understand your anguish. I think the hardest thing in life sometimes is to forgive yourself for your own shortcomings.
Baha'u'llah is asking you to turn unto him and his words alone can provide you with the healing you need. Continue to pray for healing and forgiveness. Baha'u'llah also says that confession of sins is not permissable to other human beings, and only between the individual and God. When thinking of my own shortcomings, I inflicted pain on another individual by hurting them and then telling them something that I had done wrong. That person will not forgive me at the moment and reminds me every day of my failures. I feel miserable but believe that I can only show back love to demonstrate my deep remorse. When I feel really sad i try to gain strength from the writings for spiritual renewel. I feel so low, disgraceful, disconnected and ashamed. I think Baha'u'llah wants us to be happy at all times and I just continue to pray for his assistance and forgiveness.
thanks for that last post, it gave me plenty of food for thought and helped me feel more reassured of God's forgiveness.
I grew up as a Bahai but left the Faith when I married a non-Bahai. We've been married for over 10 years and have children together and to the outside world are perfectly happy. But inside we have had many struggles. He has had a relationship with another woman and I ended up having an affair recently as well. I was able to forgive my husband and work my way through it because I know that he grew up with different principles and has never stopped supporting and loving me. However, my sins caused me to be emotionally attached to another man, and found myself in a make-believe world where I could be "who I wanted to be" outside of the daily responsiblities. It was an escape. It was exciting. But now my husband has found out and he is completely devastated. I now see how his love for me was and is deeper than I ever imagined. I have hurt him beyond I ever could contemplate and he has lost his momentum to live. This is truly the downfall of adultery and is NOT worth the temporary fulfillment.
I am struggling with the fact that my husband has been unfaithful to me over the years. I only discovered this a few months ago and the pain it has caused is immeasurable. Part of the agony has been not feeling able to share this with close friends for fear of damaging the reputation of the Faith.As a result I have felt very isolated and unable to even attend Baha'i meetings. At times the pain has been so great that I have longed for death.
Sometimes there is hope, especially recently. We are having good counselling and my husband is very remorseful. However I think it is vital that young Baha'i's be adequately prepared for marriage and that Bahai's as a community should be educated about how to avoid affairs.
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