Comments on Bahá’í Thought: What Does Love Look Like?

Phillipe: wonderful entry as always. Somewhat par...

2009-10-05T16:44:59.597-03:00

Phillipe: wonderful entry as always. Somewhat paradoxically, to my understanding, unconditional love doesn't mean love without conditions. The former means, as Rogers explains, "loving children for who they are, not what they do". I need to love my daughter even if she disappoints me, even she doesn't fulfil my vicarious dreams etc. However, that doesn't mean that I shouldn't discipline her, when appropriate. As it happens, at her age (currently 3 months) discipline doesn't have a major role to play. But already she's showing perhaps the beginning of signs of 'being spoilt'.

Regarding wish-fulfilment through our children. I certainly experienced it as a child (playing piano was never my idea) and I certainly did resent it, and gave it up. But I can't promise I won't do the same...we're human after all! Both my wife and I need to be aware of it, and guard against it if possible.

Baha'u'llah teaches us that "The structure of world stability and order hath been reared upon, and will continue to be sustained by, the twin pillars of reward and punishment". No sapling will grow straight if it is not trained by a diligent gardener. But we need to be mindful of what we are trying to achieve through what you refer as "conditional parenting"... is it the excellence of our children, or an easier life?

I find that the following are the cornerstone of e...

2009-09-22T15:46:22.201-03:00

I find that the following are the cornerstone of education and, generally, the raising of my daughter - trust, respect, love. Establishing a relationship such that another can trust you in word and deed provides a stable reality. Respecting the child as a developing soul who has the opportunity to learn every day (which means make mistakes and gain knowledge from them) is required. To do this successfully, a parent needs to provide the child room (intellectually and physically) to make mistakes (not harmful ones) and help them make sense of the mistake and help them grow beyond it. Notice that I am including the child as an active participant in this (as much as developmentally possible). This also requires patience. Patience to wait that extra minute or two in the morning when dropping off the child at school or whatever the teachable moment is. During this time we listen and listen more and model reflective thought, not reflexive emotion. So many parents rush the child due to their own sense of importance (be it work, ego, etc.) and the child learns of their unimportance. Love is true in hard times and good. Reassuring the child that you still love them when they have done something wrong (respond to the behavior, don't equate the behavior as innate to the child) can transform the moment to a learning experience as opposed to traumatic.
I am working on expanding these ideas in a book on education.

Hand of the Cause of God Ali Akbar Furutan gave a ...

2009-09-16T16:13:54.671-03:00

Hand of the Cause of God Ali Akbar Furutan gave a talk a the NYC Bahai Center shortly after the release of a compilation on the education of children by the Universal House of Justice. He told us we are so very fortunate to be the recipients of this compilation, and advised parents, educators, psychologists and interested others to read and understand the contents even before we tackle the theories of others in the field--because then we will have a touchstone.
The main problem, he said, with most of the theorists in this field, is that they are materialists, do not recognize the essential nature of the child which is spiritual. Therefore, the purpose of education, beginning at infancy, is to foster the love of God, the fear of God, and all good qualities, the acquisition of all the divine attributes and virtues.

Once we understand these Writings thoroughly, he went on to say, we can pick up useful "how to" tips from many people, because we now have a touchstone. We will also know which theories and practices to reject. ( He added he, himself, studied in Russia with Pavlov, and it is true that utilizing "conditioned reflex" is very helpful in training your child to, of his own accord, want to make his/her way to bed each night.)

Conversely, I would add, without reading, studying, and attempting to put into practice the underlying, fundamental principles and broad methodology covered in the Baha'i Writings, one can get lost in contradictory theories, also studies whose basic hypothesis are open to question. A study of the Writings resolves such dillemnas, opens our eyes to the true meaning and purpose of such terms as "love" "education" "training", "fear", "reward", "punishment", we also are no longer at a loss as to how to resolve the old nature-nurture controversy in raising a child., and can resist the myriad of temptations a parent is prey to, in a daily basis, to either misuse or not utilize the tremendous power and influence we have over the lives of our children.

It seems we should strive that our unconditional love for our children should be demonstrated at all times in a way consistent with God's love for us, a love that includes showing displeasure of behavior that is unworthy of the station of man. Discipline, according to the Writings, is, indeed, founded on reward and punishment; a parents' approval and disapproval of a child's behavior are manifestations of that unconditional love, and should be designed to foster within the child nobility--characteristics that are latent within him/her, yet require a patient, long-term educator for them to manifest themselves.

I close with a small and by no means inclusive sample:

"Let them strive by day and by night to establish within their children faith and certitude, the fear of God, the love of the Beloved of the worlds, and all good qualities and traits. Whensoever a mother seeth that her child hath done well, let her praise and applaud him and cheer his heart; and if the slightest undesirable trait should manifest itself, let her counsel the child and punish him, and use means based on reason, even a slight verbal chastisement should this be necessary. It is not, however, permissible to strike a child, or vilify him, for the child's character will be totally perverted if he be subjected to blows or verbal abuse."
Selections from 'Abdu'l-Baha, page 125
Judith W

There's also who you're being. To extend from wha...

2009-09-15T19:43:51.984-03:00

There's also who you're being. To extend from what you quoted from Abdu'l-Baha, if you gave Douglass all the toys and parties and hugs there ever were, and somehow love wasn't who you were being when you did that, he wouldn't believe you loved him either. It's more than words or deeds, and while both demonstrate it, neither can cover it up.

I've been thinking about parenting recently, that I am going to hold my children accountable for their nobility. (Noble have I created thee, yet thou hast abased thyself. Rise then unto that for which thou wast created!) It's exactly as you say, Phillipe -- if parents don't, who will? And it's all inside of love, and the vision of a child's true nature. (Regard man as a mine rich in gems of inestimable value. Education can alone cause it to reveal its treasures and enable mankind to benefit therefrom.)

Great post.